Nice guy

"Nice guy" is a term in the general public discourse and in popular culture for a male with certain personality traits and behaviors. The term is ambiguous, and means different things to different people. Many traits, both positive and negative are associated with "nice guys," which sometimes are conflicting or contradictory. These traits include sensitivity, agreeableness, pleasantness, considerateness, respectfulness, altruism, understanding, kindness, sympathy, dependability, honesty, trustworthiness, passivity, sexual cautiousness or inexperience, chivalrousness, effeminacy, passive-aggressiveness, conflict-avoidance, "wimpiness", "spinelessness", being "whipped", manipulativeness, and submissiveness. There is wide controversy over whether nice guys are attractive to women or not, and whether being "nice" leads to success in life.

The "nice guys finish last" view
A common stereotype is that "nice guys finish last." The phrase is attributed to baseball manager Leo Durocher in 1946; though Durocher was originally referring to the opposing team rather than to male/female relationship dynamics. The full quote is, "All nice guys. They'll finish last. Nice guys. Finish last."

The "nice guys finish last" view is that there is a discrepancy between women's stated preferences and their actual choices in men: in other words, women say that they want nice guys, but really go for men who are "jerks", or "bad boys" in the end. Desrochers (1995) claims that many "sensitive" men do not believe that women want "nice guys" due to their personal experiences. According to McDaniel (2005), popular culture and dating advice "suggest that women claim they want a 'nice guy' because they believe that that is what is expected of them when, in reality, they want the so-called 'challenge' that comes with dating a not-so-nice guy." Urbaniak & Killman (2003) write that "Although women often portray themselves as wanting to date kind, sensitive, and emotionally expressive men, the nice guy stereotype contends that, when actually presented with a choice between such a 'nice guy' and an unkind, insensitive, emotionally-closed, 'macho man' or 'jerk,' they invariably reject the nice guy in favor of his more macho competitor."

An opposing perspective is that women do want "nice guys," at least when they are looking for romantic relationships. Desrochers (1995) suggests that "it still seems popular to believe that women in contemporary America prefer men who are 'sensitive,' or have feminine personality traits." Women have differing opinions about whether "nice guys finish last" sexually or not. Herold & Millhausen (1999) found that 56% of 165 university women agreed with the statement: "You may have heard the expression, 'Nice guys finish last.' In terms of dating, and sex, do you think women are less likely to have sex with men who are 'nice' than men who are 'not nice'?" A third view is that while "nice guys" may not be as successful at attracting women sexually, they may be sought after by women looking for long-term romantic relationships. Herold & Millhausen (1999) claim that "while nice guys may not be competitive in terms of numbers of sexual partners, they tend to be more successful with respect to longer-term, committed relationships." However, an immediate conclusion which may be drawn from this, as well as another study indicates that "for brief affairs, women tend to prefer a dominating, powerful and promiscuous man".

Research
Researchers are also interested in the "nice guy" phenomenon (McDaniel 2005). Empirical research exists on studying perceptions of the "nice guy" phenomenon (some of which is cited above), women's self-reports or behavior, and comparisons of men's personality traits with their sexual or romantic success. Studies that explicitly use the term "nice guy" also cite empirical research that doesn't use that term, but which addresses qualities that are often associated with "niceness." Results of research are mixed and inconsistent (Herold & Millhausen 1998). Herold & Millhausen conclude that "the answer to the question 'Do nice guys finish last?' is complicated in that it is influenced both by the measurement instruments used and by subject characteristics."

The "nice guy" construct
One difficulty in studying the "nice guy" phenomenon is due to the ambiguity of the "nice guy" construct. Participants in studies interpret "nice guy" to mean different things. In their qualitative analysis, Herold & Millhausen (1998) found that women associate different qualities with the "nice guy" label: "Some women offered flattering interpretations of the nice guy, characterizing him as committed, caring, and respectful of women. Others, however, emphasized more negative aspects, considering the nice guy to be boring, lacking confidence, and unattractive." The bad boys were also divided into two categories, "as either confident, attractive, sexy, and exciting or as manipulative, unfaithful, disrespectful of women, and interested only in sex." Researchers have operationalized the "nice guy" and "jerk" constructs in different ways, some of which are outlined below (McDaniel 2005).

Results of research
Various studies explicitly try to elucidate the success, or lack thereof, of "nice guys" with women (Jensen-Campbell et al. 1995, Herold & Millhausen 1998, Urbaniak 2003, McDaniel 2005).


 * Jensen-Campbell et al. (1995) operationalized "niceness" as prosocial behavior, which included agreeableness and altruism.  They found that female attraction was a result of an interaction of both dominance and prosocial tendency.  They suggest that altruism may be attractive to women when it is perceived as a form of agentic behavior.


 * Herold & Millhausen (1998) asked a sample of undergraduate women "You meet two men. One, John, is nice but somewhat shy. He has not had any sexual experience. The other, Mike, is attractive, a lot of fun, and has had intercourse with 10 women. Both wish to date you. Whom do you choose?" 54% reported a preference for "John," 18% preferred "Mike," and the rest had no preference.


 * Urbaniak & Killman (2003) constructed vignettes of four hypothetical dating show contestants: "Nice Todd" vs. "Neutral Todd" vs "Jerk Todd" vs. "Michael," who was created to be a control. "Nice Todd" described a "real man" as "in touch with his feelings," kind and attentive, non-macho, and interested in putting his partner's pleasure first. "Neutral Todd" described a "real man" as someone who "knows what he wants and knows how to get it," and who is good to the woman he loves.  "Jerk Todd" described a "real man" as someone "knows what he wants and knows how to get it," who keeps everyone else on their toes, and avoids "touch-feely" stuff.  "Michael" described a "real man" as relaxed and positive.  In two studies, Urbaniak & Killman found that women preferred "Nice Todd" over "Neutral" over "Jerk Todd," relative to "Michael" even at differing levels of physical attractiveness.  They also found that for purely sexual relationships, "niceness appeared relatively less influential than physical attractiveness."  After acknowledging that women's preference for "niceness" could be inflated by the social desirability bias, especially due to their use of verbal scripts, they conclude that "our overall results did not favor the nice guy stereotype."


 * McDaniel (2005) constructed vignettes of dates with a stereotypical "nice guy" vs. a stereotypical "fun/sexy guy," and attempted to make them both sound positive. Participants reported a greater likelihood of wanting a second date with the "nice guy" rather than with the "fun/sexy guy."

These studies also cite other research on heterosexual attraction that doesn't mention the "nice guy" term. They interpret various studies on female attraction to various traits in men (e.g. dominance, agreeableness, physical attractiveness, wealth, etc.), and on the sexual success of men with different personality traits, to shed light on the "nice guy" phenomenon.


 * Sadalla, Kenrick, & Vershure (1985) found that women were sexually attracted to dominance in men (though dominance did not make men likable to women), and that dominance in women had no effect on men.


 * Bogaert & Fisher (1995) studied the relationships between the personalities of university men and their amount of sexual partners. They found a correlation between a man's number of sexual partners, and the traits of sensation-seeking, hypermasculinity, physical attractiveness, and testosterone levels. They also discovered a correlation between maximum monthly number of partners, and the traits of dominance and psychoticism.  Bogaert & Fisher suggest that an underlying construct labelled "Disinhibition" could be used to explain most of these differences.  They suggest that Disinhibition would correlate negatively with Agreeableness and Conscientiousness from the Big five personality model.


 * Botwin, Buss & Shackleford (1997) found that women had a higher preference for surgency and dominance in their mates than men did, in a study of dating couples and newlyweds.

Appearance in popular culture

 * The 1987 film Mr. Nice Guy (1987 film)
 * The book No More Mr. Nice Guy and a Gang Starr album of the same name
 * In the 2006 film Casino Royale, Solange asks James Bond, "Why can't nice guys be more like you?" He replies: "Then... they'd be bad."
 * "Nice Guys Finish Last," is the title of a song by the band Green Day. Some lines from the song are: "Your sympathy will get you left behind", and "Oh nice guys finish last, when you run out of gas. / Don't pat yourself on the back you might break your spine."
 * In the seduction community, "nice guys" are considered to be "Average Frustrated Chumps." In The Game, Neil Strauss defines an "Average Frustrated Chump" as "a stereotypical nice guy who has no pickup skills or understanding of what attracts women; a man who tends to engage in supplicative and wimpy patterns of behavior around women he has not yet slept with."